A crime of passion

Did you see Lackawanna blues? Well I saw it over the Christmas holiday. It was a great story. Ruben Santiago Hudson did an excellent job telling a touching story; a story of stories it was. One in particular stuck with me. I like sharing stories that stick with me. Now don’t let it freak you out. But I do understand crimes of passion. Not saying I would commit one, but I understand them better now. It’s like a previous post about the abyss, I’ve stood on the brink and looked across and it was nothing but the power of God that kept me away. Anyway here is Mr. (Small) Paul’s story, played by Jeffrey Wright, one of the drifters that nanny took in.

Oh I loved,
Loved that woman

When I’m with her
I felt like a king
When I’m with that womanI didn’t need a doggone thing
Oh Lord!

I went down to that woman’s house
And knock, knocked on her door
She had the nerve to tell me she didn’t want me no more
Oh Lord!

As I walked away, my heart in my hand
I had the strangest feeling she was with another man.
I had the strangest feeling she was with another man.

I kicked down that woman’s door
She was naked, holding that man, making love on the floor

I lost my mind for a time
Oh Lord!

I grabbed that butcher knife
He jumped up in my face
And I swung

I swang that butcher knife
I dug into his body
I pulled it out
I dug it in
I pulled it out
Oh, oh Lord!

There was blood
Blood on my hands
And there was blood
Blood on my face
Blood on the walls
Blood all over the place

When I had finished swinging that knife
I had taken his and her life

Recluse

Recluse : a person who leads a secluded or solitary life

I fear I’m becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea that I am a recluse. I have spent the last two days in complete isolation. Except for a doctors appointment and stopping by my sister’s house today. But the funny thing is I’m ok with it. You might think that it is no big deal, but I’m also looking forward to not spending much time with people next semester. Burying my head into my books. I’ve already sort of asked two of the closest people in my life out of my life, and I feel no remorse. I’m working on three. Not that I don’t want them in… but it’s costing me so much. So here are my reasons for being alone.

I have this uncanny ability for letting people down.
Maybe it’s unrealistic expectations. Certainly there are a lot of un-agreed upon expectations. But for whatever reason I have a great proclivity for doing so.

I want to be more forgiving.
I have these principles that I don’t compromise too often. And once done I find reasons not to be with people rather than finding ways to be with people.

I am spent.
I spent a lot my last few years. I have been giving myself away. So much so that very little is left. I found myself seeking replenishment in the wrong places. I gave so much of me away professionally, personally, spiritually it lead to holes, that needed to be filled.

People are taking too much.
And recently, I’ve been rejecting a ‘taking’ that’s leaving me empty. People asking for more than I’m willing to give. People not respecting how I live. Taking away from me stuff that I need to live. My peace, joy, my privacy, my confidence, my sense of self worth, my peace of mind, my quiet moments, my thoughtfulness.

People backing out.
We went together, and I stepped out a little further and turned around and you were gone. I understand that you may have felt more vulnerable, felt you had more to loose, but we went together. Why couldn’t we leave out together? Why’d you act like you weren’t ever in with me? Why act like ‘I did to you?’ I understand, I do. You’ve got to protect you and yours. I can definitely feel that. So you do what you have to, and no one can blame anybody for doing that, what they have to.

So now, I know I may regret it. May need to tie a rope to something, but right now… I feel so good being alone, wishing to be more.

Lyric of the Week (week 15)

More lyrics from Beautifully Human.
Jilly from Philly

"I Keep"

Some of them wanna break you down, steal your crown
Use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face, cause they heard it some place,
You got more then their used to
Some of them want to steal your love, ooh
Cause they're jealous of ...how you're living and giving.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru ...and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, cuz it's love they lack.
Some of them won't even try ...to see the good inside.
But I ....

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing

Hey. Oh oh oh
I keep on , keep on living, keep on learning , keep on smiling ooh ooh yeah
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving.
I keep smiling when I come thru, and I cry when I need to
(Adlib below)
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yea yea yeah
I keep on , keep on keeping on.
Yea. I keep ,keep on keep keepin on keep keeping on

Life lesson

“Tuesday's with Morrie” was written by sports writer Mitch Albom; you may have heard of him, he's the author of "The five people you'll meet in heaven."

Well “Tuesday’s with Morrie” is Albom’s story of his college professors classroom. This wasn't about a class in undergrad it was 13 plus years later as he was dying of Lue Geric's disease. It's billed as a story about "an old man, a young man, and life's greatest lesson."

I'm reading it right now and it's very impactful. One of Morrie's lessons:

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

Lyric of the week pt.2 (week 13/14)

This song was in my head all day. That’s it, no commentary.

From the album "Beautifully Human: Words and Sounds, Vol. 2."
My Petition
-Jill Scott

You say you mean good for me
But you don't do it
You say you have a plan but you just don't go thru with it
You say you know the way to go
And I should follow
But all of your empty promises
Leave me hollow

And oh
How do I trust you
How do I love you
When you
Lie to me repeatedly
And oh
How do I have faith, in you
When you just don't come thru
Like you say you could

Oh, say can you see [2x]

You say that I'm wrong for
Stating my opinion to you
You say that I'm wrong and there'll be quiet consequences too
But I know my rights babe
There'll be no law abridging
The freedom of my speech
Or the right for me to petition for a remedy of grievances

And I want to trust you
I want to love you, yeah
But you lie to me repeatedly
And oh I want to have faith in you
But you just don't come thru
Like you said you could
Oh say can you see
Hmmm

I want fresh foods, clean water,
Air that I don't see
I want the feeling of being safe on my streets
I want my children to be smarter than me
I want, I want to feel
I want to feel, I want to feel free
For real ya'll
I'm just telling you so you know
I want to, I want to have faith in you
I really do but you keep lying to me
It hurts
I believe, I believe you owe it to me
Give it to me like you said you would

Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Oohh say can you see
Hmmm

By the dawn's early light

Lyric of the Week (week 13)

I think Quincy Jones remade this one, it seems to be a Nina Simone original. It always touches me when I hear it and you know that I try to post something that is close to how I feel at the time. Here we go.

Everything must change
-Nina Simone

everything must change
nothing stays the same
everyone will change
no one, no one stays the same

the young become the old
and mysteries do unfold
for that's the way of time
no one, and nothing goes unchanged
there are not many things in life one can be sure of
except rain comes from the clouds
sun lights up the sky
hummingbirds fly

winter turns to spring
a wounded heart will heal
oh but never much too soon
no one, and nothing goes unchanged

The young become the old
and mysteries do unfold
for that's the way of time
no one, and nothing stays unchanged

there are not many things in life one can be sure of
except rain comes from the clouds
sun lights up the sky
hummingbirds fly

rain comes from the clouds
sun lights up the sky
hummingbirds fly

rain comes from the clouds
sun lights up the sky
hummingbirds fly

everything must change

24 is on!

24 is on....
and I'm glued to the TV!

Brothers and Sisters...

...I don't know what this world is coming to! Yes, the rhythm the rebel, without a pause, I'm lowering my level. “Rebel without a pause” – Public Enemy

I was in conference about four years back. I came in late. It was in Nashville and my fleight landed that morning and map quest sent me to a dead end road that ended in a lake. When I got there I sat next to the keynote presenter on the front row. Hey, I didn't know, he was just some random white guy to me. Well when he got up he spoke about the need for professionals to "order their private worlds." I found out later that he had learned the lesson the hard way by losing his family over an affair. Well somewhere in his session he spoke about the fact that in every decade life has a different bag of tricks. He spoke about how in ten-year spans you are faced with different and distinct challenges.

In your 20's you're focused on finishing college (grad school) and getting started with your career and starting a family.

30's you're focused on providing for that family for the most part, raising that family. Or starting one if hasn't already happened. (I’m kind of stuck between the last two decades)

40's you are more focused on your career's goals. Career advancement, climbing the latter, or moving into second career. (Or in our generation maybe 3rd or 4th career move) Most likely your life is wrapped up in your child's teen years. And all the blessings of the mid-life. I won't use the 'C' word.

50's you are primarily concerned with your kids getting out of the house getting through college, and your own retirement. Mid-life maybe extended into this decade.

60's you start turning your focus towards end of life, Thinking about wills and estate planning (if you have money like that), You start reading the obit pages, a lot of the conversations with your spouse and friends center around death.

I know in my paraphrasing I may have been too limited and have not quoted him exactly. You get the gist.

Well I was thinking about this because my brother and I have never shared the same decade. We were born ten years a part. And this weekend he will make his fore into the forties. WOW! So you know what that means, this year I'll make my move into the thirties.

For Real! So here we stand in 2006. The past year has been challenging to say the least. I was writing a rhyme, (what? I rap too!) the beginning of which says “I ran through my twenties just like they was $20’s. (Ok, maybe I don’t rap well, but you get the point.) Now I look forward to beginning my thirties with a chapter of life behind me. I begin with a book of life lessons to read from and a history and legacy to be written.

Reasons

There is a reason for everything
Now granted, I am a left brained person. My strong tendency towards left brainedness pulls me towards logic so much more than emotion. I’ll give you that, however, I just believe that even emotion can be tracked to a logical impetus. Scientist say that even chaos has a theory and can be mapped out. And what’s more chaotic than emotional states?

So every thing has a reason, it comes from somewhere. I don’t believe things just come out of nothing. Things start from a thought, or as a reaction to something . I don’t believe that anything defies reason, that everything has an origin.

This is coming from where I am right now. (Hey even this blog has a reason.) I’m trying to explore some unexplored feelings. Wondering where they are coming from. Doing some introspection. I feel something’s that I think (logical side) I shouldn’t. So I’m following it down the rabbit hole. I guess I’m trying to see the logical conclusions, pitfalls and positive outcomes.

I don’t think my emotions are out of wack, but they just don’t make sense. And I’m trying to find out the reasons for them. I may be rambling, or even nonsensical, but I had to get my thoughts out.

The Nigger Store!

For a nigga that says nigga a lot (I used it yesterday in my Jay-z post)I had to re-think my use of the word nigga after I read this nigga's e-mail. No but for real, I can’t say that I agree with him but I do use it. I even saw the black actors from the movie crash, discuss it on Oprah the other week. It was funny Terrance Howard seemed to come around to rethinking the use of the word (*Isn’t he married to a white woman though?*)

Any way what’s to follow is this mans e-mail.

My name is David Sylvester and I recently completed a charitable bicycle trip in Africa, riding over 7000 miles from Cairo, Egypt to Cape Town, South Africa . The trip made me the first and only African American to cross two continents on a bicycle. I have plenty of great and fascinating stories. Many are funny, others bittersweet, some are poignant, but all are entertaining. Surprisingly one story has stood out and if it was not for the fact that I have a picture of it, many would never believe it. and it is for that reason that I am sharing it with you.While in Lilongwe, Malawi, I came across a store by the name of Niggers --- that's right Niggers! The other riders, who were all white, could not wait to inform me of this to see my reaction. Initially, I thought that it was a very bad joke but when the other riders were adamant about the existence of the store, I had to see it for myself. What I found was a store selling what the owner called 'hip hop!" style clothing . It was manned by two gentlemen --- one of them asleep! (Talk about living up to or in this case down to a stereotype) I asked the guys what was up with the store name. After hearing my obvious non - Malawian accent and figuring out that I was from America, the man thumped his chest proudly and said "P-Diddy New York City! we are the niggers!"

My first reaction was to laugh, because many things when isolated can be very funny, but it quickly dawned on me that this was so not funny at all. It was pathetic. I did these bicycle trips across the USA and through the Mother Land in honor of one of my good friends, mentors and fellow African American, Kevin Bowser, who died on 9/11. Here I am, a black man riding across the world on his bicycle in honor of another black man, riding " and what do I see?? Some Africans calling themselves Niggers! They were even so proud of it they put it on their store front to sell stuff. When I relay the story to folks back home in Philadelphia, most of them laugh too and rationalize it by saying well, we can say it to each other or there is a difference or even they just spelled it wrong. It should have been nigga or niggah. Gee like that would make a difference. The issue is not the spelling. I was wrong. We are wrong. There is no justification for an infract! ion of this magnitude. The word and the sentiment behind it is Flat out wrong! We have denigrated and degraded ourselves to the point that our backwards mindset has spread like a cancer and infected our source, our brothers, our sisters, our Mother Land. I have traveled all over the world and have never seen a store by the name of "Jew Devils," "spic bastards, "muff divin'', "dykes" or anything like that -- Only the store niggers!I am to blame for this. Every time I said the word I condoned it, by not correcting others or rationalizing it gave it respectability, by looking the other way when others said nigga what's up allowed others to see it and ultimately that when I purchase CDs, DVDs, T-shirts and other stuff, I enriched it. I now see the error in my ways and I am so so sorry black men and women. The flame that we called entertainment, that was only to warm and entertain us, now engulfs us and scorches our own self esteem. If a child only knows to refer to men and ! women as niggers, bitches, pimps and hoes, then what is he/she to grow up thinking of themselves and others as he/she gets older? The bottom line is this I rode over 12000 miles on 2 continents through 15 states and 13 countries and broke 2 bikes in the process to get to a store in AFRICA called niggers. I am willing to step and admit my part in the havoc that we have wrought on our mindset but I think that We all are to blame. I finish with 4 things: If you don't like being called a nigger, bitch, faggot, dyke, spic, Jew dog, wop, towel head or anything of that ilk- then THINK. THINK before you speak those words, write those lyrics, support that rhetoric and most of all THINK before you purchase! Purchasing is akin to compliance -- I may like the beats and rhythms of some songs but I can not support it any more. You rappers are intelligent -- find another word to describe yourselves.A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS! read the quote below.

If they call you a nigger is one thing but if you answer to it then there is really something wrong! Please forward this to the black folks that you know and let us please, please stop the madness.

Nah Hov talk that Shhhhh!

It’s a new year and why not start it out with the President?

Don’t know if I really like Young Jeezy, I think he’s just a testament of how the music industry can make you a star. But I have enjoyed any time I can hear the retired owner of Rocafella records, now president of the Island/Def Jam record label. Who is the leader of the careers of Ludacris, Pattie Labelle, DMX, Rev. Run, ODB, The Isley Brothers, 112, Mariah Carey. When I hear him rap I love it, even if I have to suffer through an unworthy collaboration.

So hear Jay-z’s verse from the single “Go Crazy”.

[Jay-Z]
Uh, more than a hustla I'm the definition of it
Master chef, Lord of the kitchen cupboard
More than a street legend, homey it's hova
More than a relief pitcher, I'm the closer
The Mariano of the Mariott, ah
If money talks, the whole world's bout to hear me out
See I'm a hustla's hope, I'm not his pipe dreams
So when they speak of success, I'm what they might mean
Attract money my worst color is light green
My favorite hue is Jay-Z blue
Don't follow me youngin, follow my moves,
I'm not a role model
A bad influence
got the world drinkin gold bottles
When Puff was in that tub spillin Mo'
I was at my video,
Cris' on the speedboat
In my lifetime nigga, go do your research
St. Thomas my nigga, that was me first
Chrome shoe'd the GS, I came feet first
and it came like a baby born to breach birth
I got the keys if you need work
I can Kingpin you a line, a dime at a time, uh!
My niggaz love it when I talk like this
My corporate people start buggin cuz I talk like this
The corporate thugs is like, "Nah Hov" Talk that sh!t
The dope boys go crazy when they hear that boy Jay-Z

See I'm an eighties baby, mastered reagonomics
School of hardknocks, every day's college
You ain't did nothing I ain't did, nigga pay homage
Or pay the doctor, uh, I spray line words, still
In time will reveal, you know I'm being honest
Y'all aint pull my coat yet, and I keep my sh!t in coat check
The say the truth shall come to the light
So everybody grab your shades cause your boy that bright
Goodnight.

Picture the Divine

Today I was checking out what’s fast becoming one of my favorite sites. I stumbled on it in a Time magazine article, where they interviewed some smart people about the future, technology and religion. The photo site Flickr.com . On it’s home page they had a sentence that gives a link to everyone’s photo that has been tagged as divine. Couldn’t pass it up. So as I do my Alice in Wonderland routine and follow the rabbit down the [w]hole it struck me (now why don't y'all correct me on stuff like that?), all of the pictures that people considered to represent the divine. It was very interesting to say the least.

What some people saw as divine were pictures of Sunlit beaches, astonishing views, pregnant bellies, arched cathedrals, flowers, to cleavage. From football stadiums, Brides in full garb, to Better Middler, to food, and to all sorts of body parts.

It just made me think, what evokes the divine in us? What draws us closer to the presence of the divine; what image, what thought, what experience? And it’s just funny to me that what is divine to some is repulsive and represent the exact opposite to others.

I think my point is…
that since [if] God is the creator, then the presence of the divine can be revealed in all things. [?]

Can you see it?

When tears don't move

It’s been awhile …
Here is a new original piece.

When tears don’t move.

When tears move
They are supposed to soothe
The emotions that started them rolling

But it’s an unusual occurrence
When tears don’t move
and the situation before you is unfolding

You see not only do they soothe
They are supposed to move
the evoker of such
But it’s a bad move
when your tears don’t mean that much

Not that tearing is a move
Like in a game, to accomplish some end
Truth is
tears come down in the game of love
Where it seems no one is intended to win

But when tears don’t move
You wonder why
You never really wanted to
And now there’s no reason to
cry

Redskin enduced endorphins!

Boy nothing makes you feel quite as good as a Redskins win. The only thing that comes sort of close is when we beat the cowboys or beat a division rival. Well we beat the division rival Eagles today and knocked the cowboys out of the playoffs. This last game was a good one though, Philly gave us all that we wanted but the D pulled it out in the end. (*Side note, I hope that the animal trainer doesn’t go off to coach Kansas City. He didn’t have a good time of it when he was last coach in Buffalo.*)
(South East Jerome, aka Clinton Portis, btw it's not Jerome from South East.)

I was going to watch the cowboys game tonight but, there’s no need to now. We won and controlled our own destiny. Five straight W’s. Woo Hoo!

Where are my Philly and cowboy fans? Please get at your boy! (been watching too much G. Garv over the holidays.)