Recluse

Recluse : a person who leads a secluded or solitary life

I fear I’m becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea that I am a recluse. I have spent the last two days in complete isolation. Except for a doctors appointment and stopping by my sister’s house today. But the funny thing is I’m ok with it. You might think that it is no big deal, but I’m also looking forward to not spending much time with people next semester. Burying my head into my books. I’ve already sort of asked two of the closest people in my life out of my life, and I feel no remorse. I’m working on three. Not that I don’t want them in… but it’s costing me so much. So here are my reasons for being alone.

I have this uncanny ability for letting people down.
Maybe it’s unrealistic expectations. Certainly there are a lot of un-agreed upon expectations. But for whatever reason I have a great proclivity for doing so.

I want to be more forgiving.
I have these principles that I don’t compromise too often. And once done I find reasons not to be with people rather than finding ways to be with people.

I am spent.
I spent a lot my last few years. I have been giving myself away. So much so that very little is left. I found myself seeking replenishment in the wrong places. I gave so much of me away professionally, personally, spiritually it lead to holes, that needed to be filled.

People are taking too much.
And recently, I’ve been rejecting a ‘taking’ that’s leaving me empty. People asking for more than I’m willing to give. People not respecting how I live. Taking away from me stuff that I need to live. My peace, joy, my privacy, my confidence, my sense of self worth, my peace of mind, my quiet moments, my thoughtfulness.

People backing out.
We went together, and I stepped out a little further and turned around and you were gone. I understand that you may have felt more vulnerable, felt you had more to loose, but we went together. Why couldn’t we leave out together? Why’d you act like you weren’t ever in with me? Why act like ‘I did to you?’ I understand, I do. You’ve got to protect you and yours. I can definitely feel that. So you do what you have to, and no one can blame anybody for doing that, what they have to.

So now, I know I may regret it. May need to tie a rope to something, but right now… I feel so good being alone, wishing to be more.