What am I doing? (September 18)

Have you ever taken pause and asked yourself, “what am I doing?”

You know, like you realized the insanity of your actions, or you finally get that it’s not working. Ever come to a point when you figure out that what you have been doing just doesn’t make sense? Have you ever tried to understand what you were doing and draw a blank?

I have been there. I have done so many irrational things that fly in the face of reason lately that it’s ridiculous.

But there has been a dramatic change.

I am finally in a place that feels totally right. It was difficult to get there, and it’s hard to stay. But it’s the right place. I have this feeling that this is so right. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.

I’m not trying to make anyone mad, and tough cookies if you do get mad. But I have grown to the place where I know what fits and what doesn’t. That’s how I know I’m ready for marriage, but it’s bigger than that. I know what my values are. I know what to allow in, and what to push out. I’m not guessing anymore. Call it maturation, call it wisdom but I know now. It's kind of like that scene in the Matrix I when Neo finally sees the matrix, and sees himself.

Your freedom can be offensive to others. I will not deny reality. It is an unhealthy process.

I said something this weekend. Something I had never opened my mouth and said aloud before. Not ever. I released something that I had held for most of all of my life. It felt good. There were like two or three things in the core of my being that I had never given voice to and it felt so good. Pain in the soul released is one of the best feelings in the world.

(My momma baked a cake for me, the loved that I asked for was in it.)